Hello Friends,
Yup, that's a photo of a giant spider eating a fly. I took that 2 springs ago, he made his web right off my front porch. Just in the perfect spot for me to snap a few good shots. I watched him eat that spider that day, it was very slow and the fly didn't even struggle. It just sat there and allowed fate to take its course. I started thinking about it a little more a few days ago, when I was cleaning out my camera.
Recently, I was put on an antidepressant for depression and anxiety. It's something that I've hid from so many people for far too long. Life started caving in on me and I couldn't focus on anything but that things that were making me sad. I just stayed in the house allowed the sadness to cover me like a giant blanket of doom. Dramatic, I know. But when you're in it, everything is dramatic. I was crying over anything at the drop of a hat. I couldn't muster the strength to see my friends, or even talk to them on the phone. I was so afraid of looking like I was broken and that had failed; that I had started failing without realizing it. It took me totally flipping out and completely shutting down after accidentally dropping my phone in the toilet to take notice of how ridiculous things had become.
I was kind of like that spider. I got stuck in a web and didn't even struggle. I didn't fight to be happier, or to hang out with my friends. I didn't fight to properly grieve over the death of my mother, or to actually take the time to heal. I allowed the bad things in life to be bad things and just accepted that my life sucked and there was nothing that was going to make it better. I allowed it to consume my every thought. That becomes an issue when your instructors are expecting you to focus on school work, but all I could see was my pain. But after stumbling over this post while trying to find some comfort on the internet, I realized that what I was feeling was something that so many others had felt. That I wasn't as damaged as I thought I was. That I wasn't alone. And that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it's going to be a long walk through that tunnel....but there's still a light.
"For so long I thought
that I was bad at being
a grown up person.
No one else reacted
to things like me,
or felt things like me.
I thought they were dealing
with what I was feeling."
Kyla Roma
I'm 6 days into my medication, and I won't lie, I've been pretty sick these past few days. But I'm not crying 6 times a day anymore, so it's a nice trade-off. Day 3 was the worst thou, I'd been having issues sleeping and then around 5am...I got incredibly sick and vomited. I've been experiencing some mild nausea and some dizziness, but the worst is the insomnia and restless legs at night. I cherish my sleep and when I am not able to get it, I feel crummy. But I talked with one of my friends who is also on the same medication and she said it does pass. Her sleep has gotten back to normal, and she doesn't experience the nausea anymore. So yea, a light at the end of the tunnel.
The idea of being on a medication and being "depressed" really embarrassed me. I didn't want to tell any of my friends that I had taken a medical leave from school and I sure as hell didn't want to tell them the doctor has me on meds. I didn't want to be that girl. But I am that girl, and after thinking a little bit more about it....the only way I'm going to stop being the depressed girl is to own it, deal with it, and then heal from it. So that's what I'm doing and that's what this post is about. Being honest about how I'm feeling instead of pushing it down because others are sick of hearing about it, or because I'm worried they're going to judge me. I have depression. I have anxiety. I am on medication.
I'm opening doors in my life now, instead of closing them and hoping the good stuff on the other side is going to magically find its way over to me through osmosis. Because, who am I kidding thinking that way?! I finally gave in and spoke up for help, and now that I'm getting it and I'm taking the time to take care of myself.. I feel like a giant weight is taken off of me. My knees were buckling under all that pressure of life and the emotional burdens that I hadn't properly dealt with. Now, I feel like I can almost breathe again. I'm not quite there, so don't think things are all sunshine and rainbows yet. I've still got a lot of work ahead of me. I'm going to be looking into therapy and I've got to stay consistent with my medication.
But I think that being honest with myself and those around me that I care about is probably the best thing I've done for myself thus far in my life. I haven't started my therapy yet. I'll actually be making that phone call right after I post this. I'm nervous about digging up all those old emotions and memories. It's going to be tough, but that's probably the only way I'm ever going to be solid again. I want to be solid more than anything. I have hope for my future again. I know that's pretty heavy stuff for being only 6 days into my meds without therapy, but the first step has me feeling pretty good so far. I've got about a month to focus on me and regain some sanity and so far is been filled with love and support.
Bryan is my rock, he's been so good to me so far. And I think if it weren't for his patience and amazing hugs, I won't being doing as well as I am. He's always encouraging me, and reassuring me that I'm ok. I'm so blessed to have him in my life. And I've been making it a priority to be honest and open with him and the rest of my circle. I've also been trying to spend more time with my sister. She's always a bright light in my life. Her smile is so comforting, when she smiles, I know things are good and I can relax. The past week since I took my leave of absence has been filled with friends, love, and craft projects...exactly what I needed.
I loose sight of it every once in a while, but when I need it most, the people in my life rally around me and take care of me. I am more than blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people and I forget that sometimes. The bad things in my life have put blinders on my eyes over the past 3 years since mom died. But on the ride home from the doctor's 6 nights ago, I felt something in the universe shift. There's a positive feeling inside of me...it's probably just my meds....but I don't care. It feels good to feel good.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, and if you've made it to the bottom...thank you for your patience. This took a lot of for me to write this. Actually, I've been writing bits and pieces all week, deleting large portions and rewriting whole paragraphs. But I felt like it would be good for me, and maybe some one like me...who's embarrassed by their depression or doesn't know how to speak up with find some comfort and be able to relate to my words. And I'm making a proposition...let's start a conversation. Do you ever feel like me? Let me know, let's find comfort in each other! We can always use more friends.
xo.
Holly
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