::Life Post:: Finding Peace with Depression pt.2

Hello friends, 

It's been a while since we've talked about depression. My first post was a great post for me. It got me to look closer at how I deal with my own depression, and the simple ways I've learned to cope. It's taken me a long time to be honest with myself about my depression, and to find good ways to take care of myself. My mental health comes first for me now. And, over the years I've learned that it is very important to take care of one's mind, and the rest becomes much easier to handle. I am glad to report that there have been more good days than bad of recent. That is a such a welcome treat. As you begin to know yourself, and ways to heal yourself it becomes easier to figure out the ways to have good days. These simple distractions become aids to the good days. 

Of course, as I've said in the past...these tips, tricks, or what have you may not work for everyone. These are things that I do to calm myself. I am in no way a therapist, doctor, or counselor but I personally handle a life with depression. Everyone's life is different and and everyone's depression is different. Get to know yourself, and you'll start to understand what works for you. Positive self reflection is key. 

Take a Walk

The above photo is from last spring. The warm weather just calls to me. Bryan and I love taking walks around the neighborhood with the kiddo. Bryan takes photos, and Landon and I chase each other and play on the jungle gym. And, then there's day when I love taking walks on my own. Something about slowly strolling around the streets that you see everyday in a new perspective is really eyeopening. The gentle sounds of neighborhood cars, the kids playing up the street, and other simple sounds of the city are actually pretty calming. It's a pretty common notion that 'going for a walk' is a great way to clear your head. When things get a little to over whelming, throw on those shoes and walk around the block a few times. 

Get Crafty- Find a Hobby

Nothing is better (to me) than losing yourself in a craft, or hobby. Some people read, some people write, and some people knit. I have so many hobbies,and sometimes it's a little hard to keep them all straight. I also get bored very easily. It's very calming to lose yourself in the monotony and the repetitiveness of crafty, and artistry. And, there's so many crafts to choose from, an endless array of handmade goodness. From drawing to crocheting to clay to scrap booking, as far as the eye can see! Sit in a quiet place, or in front of the TV; it's a good way to occupy your mind and focus on something other than what is going on in your depression. 

Try Meditation or Yoga

Let's talk about training your mind to ignore the bad thoughts....this is where that shit originated! I used to meditate when I was really young, nothing serious of course. But, it really used to calm me. I went through a lot of trauma in my early years due to several family deaths very close to each other. Through all of it, I found ways to calm myself, and I found myself meditating. In my later years, I have found yoga. And, although I don't get to go as often as I would like, I fucking love yoga. The class I go to is so chill and the lady's voice is so calming. Every time I step out of that class, I feel lighter and better with the world. Except that one time my car got towed....but that's another story hahah! 

Find a Friend & Talk It Out

During some of the hardest times in my life I was not physically able to face them alone. Fear, or something else kept me from being able to be brave. And then, there are other moments in my life where the pressure of the situation is so devastating that I can't keep it in, and it's about to explode out of me like lightening. During these times in my life, I need other people. And as much as I don't want to admit it sometimes, I am not able to stand on my own all the time. I have a network of friends and family that I have built over the years that are very close to me. I depend on them, and they can count on me. I may disappear from society from time to time to clear my head. But, in the moments where they really need me, I come running. Some of the most healing moments in my life have been the ones where my mascara is streaming down my face, Amanda Jean is crying just as ugly as I am, and the truth comes out. You need people to heal. You need people to heal. You need people to heal. 

Get Into Social Media & It's Amazing Community

Everyone is on social media nowadays. Well, mostly everyone...my dad refuses to get into it at all. He's good with Ebay and Google, but everything else is evil! But, for everyone else that doesn't think social media is the devil it can be a great resource for support and community. I've recently been dipping my toes into depression and anxiety communities on Twitter, and certain Blogs. Just like I'm writing this for you guys now, there's so many resources out there for us to heal. Depression is one of the highest diagnosed illnesses in America today. Which sounds like a terrible statistic, but the way I look at it-that's just a bigger group of folks to relate to and befriend. Beyond that, social media is a great self esteem boost. As shallow as it sounds, and as messed up as some folks may think it is; the instant gratification and boost feels great! Those little notifications that pop up in the top bar of my phone are great for my mood. I know that you shouldn't put much stock into all of that, but it does feel good. Your self esteem shouldn't be built on 'likes', but in the moment they feel wonderful. It's a nice little pick me up every once in a while. It's nice to see people admiring your work or photos. 

I hope this post gave you a few more ideas on how to cope with your depression, or at least opened your mind to different ways to cope. Some of these tips may not work for everyone, but you can see where I'm going with this. Find things in your life that are simple, distract you from the dark thoughts, and are free/cheap. The free/cheap is a big part of it. Money can bring on a lot of guilt and increase anxieties and make depression worse. Free is always better! Do you guys ever use these tips to self calm, or so you have other ways? I would love to hear about them, and open up a conversation about this subject!! Feel free to leave comments, questions, or stories below! 

xo. holly erinn 

Life Post: Finding Peace with Depression Pt.1

Hello friends! 

Today, I'd like to touch on the subject of anxiety and depression. I've talked about it before in this post, when I finally came clean about how I was actually feeling. Well, it's been a few months since then, and since I started taking medications to counteract those feelings. I can't say everything is sunshine and rainbows all day, everyday, because it's just not. That's not realistic, and that's just not how life works. But, I will tell you that I'm feeling a thousand times better than I did. Lately, I feel like I'm starting to figure out what I want, and starting to dream up ways to achieve those goals. But, my first and foremost goal is always to be happy. 

Being happy, above all else, is what pushes me forward in life. I need to find that happiness in whatever form it wants to present itself. I've made it a goal of mine to actively search that out. Though, dealing with depression and on top of that anxiety, it some times becomes quite the task. There are days when I just don't want to get out of bed, and then there are day when I actually just don't. It's a tricky thing, this depression. Life is much more interesting than my bed...most days. And then there are other days that a comfy chair, a good sketch book, and a snuggling cat is all I could ever ask for. It's much of a coin toss for me most days. But that really doesn't sit well with the "real world"....I'm sure you've all heard that old line "life goes on"! I know I've said it myself a hundred times in a hundred different situations. It truly does though, and unless you've got a better idea, you've got to get out of bed and go to work! Some days that feel impossible though, and it seems like the world is literally going to crush your shoulders with all the weigh of your anxiety pressing down on you. I get it. But, you've got to get up. How?

I'm not saying the next few things I'm about to share are going to work for everyone, but they work for me. Maybe they'll work for you too. I'm in no way a doctor, or a licensed therapist. I'm just a woman dealing with her own depression in her own way. 

1. Indulge a litle.

    This is a tricky one. If you indulge too much things of course can get out of hand very quickly, but something small here and there as a pick-me-up is perfectly fine. Just don't break the bank! Like for example, one of the things that really comforts me in the mornings on my long, traffic filled commutes is a nice warm cup of coffee. Even if I made it from home, the warmth and sweetness is just enough to lift my spirits a little each morning. 

2. Keep a journal.

   This is an oldie, but a goodie for good cause. I don't know why, but this really seems to help me. If I'm having a particularly difficult time, I'll find a quite corner and write it all out. It feels like a great release, like a river rushing over giant falls. Dramatic, I know, but it totally works for me. I also like to keep a journal, specifically because I generally never write about positive things. I like to look back a year or two from when I had written it, and see how things have changed. It's nice to have a concrete record of things to prove to yourself that things have gotten better. 

3. Get in touch with nature.

    This one is a great one! Though, at the moment in Pittsburgh it's pretty cold out. Nature is a great way to loose yourself for a moment and focus on something much greater than yourself. A lot of the time, anxiety and depression can spiral out of control and your thoughts can really start to consume you. Taking a walk through the woods, taking a moment to gaze out a window, or taking a slow ride in the car can really get you out of that moment so you can even out. There's really something relaxing and spiritual about a moment with mother nature.

4. Find a yoga class.

    I'm sure you've got a least one friends that has come to you flipping out about how awesome yoga is, and how you totally need to go! She's right. I never thought stretching in a dark room with a bunch of strangers could be a spiritually rewarding as it was. But, it was. Seriously. I can't really afford one of those excellent, fancy, paid-for yoga classes. So, I actually found one at my local library for free. Yes, my dearest friends, FREE! The city of Pittsburgh, especially, has several opportunities for a spectacular activity that won't cost you a penny! The Carnegie Library system is a great one. They have tons of events, classes, and resources. Get out there and do something different. A yoga class is a great, stress free activity that you can do without the pressure of intense social interaction. 

5. Make a nest.

   Some people call it their sacred space, quiet space, or just a corner in the room that you find peaceful. For me, it's my office. It's in a whole separate room from mine and Bryan's bedroom, and it's a place I can go to chill out when things get too crazy. It has all my favorite things in there, photos of my loved ones, and things to keep me occupied and entertained. It's a calm place that I've found myself going to when I need a moment or just some tranquility. Find a place in your home that you can place things that you find comforting, a place that you can go to decompress. Some times the best medicine is a moment of quiet.





I hope this was helpful, even just a little. Again, these are just things that I do to comfort myself when I'm having a moment. They may not work for you, you may find them silly, and that's ok! Everyone copes differently, and heals at their own pace. I'm taking one day at a time, and doing my best to focus on what's good in life. And, that's a big one! I'll be writing more about this later. I didn't want to overwhelm you guys with information, and ramblings so I figured I would break it up. If you guys have any little tricks you do, let me know! Let's start a positive conversation about this. Comment down below and let's connect!
xo. holly erinn

Random Post: Life Lately

Hello Friends, 

I'm sure you've noticed how quite things have been lately, and if you've read my last post...you'll know why. Depression has kicked my ass lately, but I'm finally coming out of it. This post is the proof. I haven't drawn, sculpted, or painted as much as I have in the past two weeks as I have in this entire year. It's been incredible. Bryan and I are home together now, and it's been so wonderful to just be able to wake up when we want and do whatever we want during the day. The no money part is pretty shitty, but we're managing rather well. 

I feel so much better. My medication is starting to actually set in and I can honestly say that I don't hate life at all right now. I wish things could stay like this for the rest of ever, but I know eventually we're going to have to go to real life. That is unless something absolutely magical happens, but let's not hold our breath. haha! We started sculpting little things the other day out of Super Sculpey, and it's been some of the most fun we've had in a long time. Cabin fever is pretty lame, but crafts with my man is pretty swell. I heard birds outside our bedroom this morning and I can't lie....it got me all kinds of excited for spring, so I've been working with a lot of pastel and light colors recently. 

We also sent in our contract for this year's Sunday Market down at the Pump House. The first market is May 4th, and we've been working on things for it like crazy. I've got an entire MONTH to work on crafty things, and that's probably the best thing to happen to me in the longest time! I can't wait for the market to start back up again, I've been missing it like crazy. AND!!! It's not just an every-other week thing this year, it's going to be held EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY!!! Holy fucking crap, I can not wait. 

Anyhoozle....So let's talk about the craziness in this post. The very first picture is of a few really rough character sketches for a project that my darling friend, Colleen and I are working on. Most likely, I'll be sharing more on here once we get a bit further in. We're just in the planning stages right now. The rest of the art below is kind of random. The two single faces are doodles from my new Samsung Galaxy Note3, and yea....I'm totally in a love affair with my phone. Bryan knows, and he's cool with it. The mermaids were a present for a dear friend on the day of her baby shower. She's having a precious little girl and I couldn't pass up the opportunity to paint a tiny mermaid! That baby shower was so fun. A bunch of us girls dressed up like Disney Princesses and surprised her with all kinds of games and fun things to do that day. I was Alice, of course. Who else would I be? Duh! The very last piece of art here today is that of some cards that I'm working on. It's a series of greeting cards with various woodland creatures that live in Southwestern Pennsylvania. I'm so in love with my city and the good ol' state of PA, so I felt it was due time for me to pay a little homage to the gorgeous creatures that call our woods 'home'. Those will be for sale this spring at the Pump House Market. 

The above image is from a short film we helped make a few weeks ago with a few friends. You can check it out here!!

We've also been trying to take more photos in general. Every time we go out now, we try and look at least a little decent because you never know when the opportunity for a good shot will present itself. And the few photos below are just that...I mean, c'mon look how handsome he looks in this one!? And that was his idea for the one with my ring collects (and yea, that's totally not all of them). I've really been enjoying all the time he and I have been given to relax and work on the things we enjoy.

I LOVE THIS PICTURE HAHGRFBKASDGBLAGBALGB!!!! 

Again, his idea. He snatched my phone out of my hand that morning and fiddled with the timers and ta-dah! An adorable photo of us on the front steps of the house. 

The few photos above are from our recent adventures in clay. It's been really fun scouring the internet looking for inspiration for tiny foods, and all the adorable things Japan has to offer. Japan and its Lolita fashions have really been inspiring me this year. It's like a flashback to high school ahaha! Bryan hasn't worked with clay before and for his first time, he really impressed me. But, really, I shouldn't be surprised. He picks up on things so quickly if he's really interested in it.

I think we're going to be pumping out a few more creations today. It's going to be a working day in our house. It's actually pretty hard to stay motivated in our absence/unemployment. But, we're doing pretty well. We've been planning a lot. The market starts soon (EEP!), and spring is just around the corner. That means tons of hiking and probably more photography than you folks can stand! I'm planning on scavenging through the forest for feathers, bones, and any sort of plant or flower that catches my eye. I started drying flowers a little bit last year, and cant' wait to continue again this year! Pictures to come, don't you fret!

Overall, I'm feeling pretty good, and am excited to get back into the swing of things. I'm not rushing, trust me. This month is still going to be very slow for me, because otherwise I'll just be back to where I started. I still haven't found a therapy place yet, I've gotten discouraged because of all the places turning me away...but I'll figure it out eventually. I'm doing pretty good though for now, and that's something to smile about.

And a gratuitous picture of our beautiful cat, Pepper in mid-sneak. I caught her.


xo.
Holly

An Honest Post about Depression & Anxiety

Hello Friends,

Yup, that's a photo of a giant spider eating a fly. I took that 2 springs ago, he made his web right off my front porch. Just in the perfect spot for me to snap a few good shots. I watched him eat that spider that day, it was very slow and the fly didn't even struggle. It just sat there and allowed fate to take its course. I started thinking about it a little more a few days ago, when I was cleaning out my camera.

Recently, I was put on an antidepressant for depression and anxiety. It's something that I've hid from so many people for far too long. Life started caving in on me and I couldn't focus on anything but that things that were making me sad. I just stayed in the house allowed the sadness to cover me like a giant blanket of doom. Dramatic, I know. But when you're in it, everything is dramatic. I was crying over anything at the drop of a hat. I couldn't muster the strength to see my friends, or even talk to them on the phone. I was so afraid of looking like I was broken and that had failed; that I had started failing without realizing it.  It took me totally flipping out and completely shutting down after accidentally dropping my phone in the toilet to take notice of how ridiculous things had become.

I was kind of like that spider. I got stuck in a web and didn't even struggle. I didn't fight to be happier, or to hang out with my friends. I didn't fight to properly grieve over the death of my mother, or to actually take the time to heal. I allowed the bad things in life to be bad things and just accepted that my life sucked and there was nothing that was going to make it better. I allowed it to consume my every thought. That becomes an issue when your instructors are expecting you to focus on school work, but all I could see was my pain. But after stumbling over this post while trying to find some comfort on the internet, I realized that what I was feeling was something that so many others had felt. That I wasn't as damaged as I thought I was. That I wasn't alone.  And that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it's going to be a long walk through that tunnel....but there's still a light.

"For so long I  thought 

that I was bad at being

a grown up person. 

No one else reacted

to things like me,

 or felt things like me. 

I thought they were dealing

 with what I was feeling."

Kyla Roma

I'm 6 days into my medication, and I won't lie, I've been pretty sick these past few days. But I'm not crying 6 times a day anymore, so it's a nice trade-off.  Day 3 was the worst thou, I'd been having issues sleeping and then around 5am...I got incredibly sick and vomited. I've been experiencing some mild nausea and some dizziness, but the worst is the insomnia and restless legs at night. I cherish my sleep and when I am not able to get it, I feel crummy. But I talked with one of my friends who is also on the same medication and she said it does pass. Her sleep has gotten back to normal, and she doesn't experience the nausea anymore. So  yea, a light at the end of the tunnel.

The idea of being on a medication and being "depressed" really embarrassed me. I didn't want to tell any of my friends that I had taken a medical leave from school and I sure as hell didn't want to tell them the doctor has me on meds. I didn't want to be that girl. But I am that girl, and after thinking a little bit more about it....the only way I'm going to stop being the depressed girl is to own it, deal with it, and then heal from it. So that's what I'm doing and that's what this post is about. Being honest about how I'm feeling instead of pushing it down because others are sick of hearing about it, or because I'm worried they're going to judge me. I have depression. I have anxiety. I am on medication.

I'm opening doors in my life now, instead of closing them and hoping the good stuff on the other side is going to magically find its way over to me through osmosis. Because, who am I kidding thinking that way?! I finally gave in and spoke up for help, and now that I'm getting it and I'm taking the time to take care of myself.. I feel like a giant weight is taken off of me. My knees were buckling under all that pressure of life and the emotional burdens that I hadn't properly dealt with. Now, I feel like I can almost breathe again. I'm not quite there, so don't think things are all sunshine and rainbows yet. I've still got a lot of work ahead of me. I'm going to be looking into therapy and I've got to stay consistent with my medication.

But I think that being honest with myself and those around me that I care about is probably the best thing I've done for myself thus far in my life. I haven't started my therapy yet. I'll actually be making that phone call right after I post this. I'm nervous about digging up all those old emotions and memories. It's going to be tough, but that's probably the only way I'm ever going to be solid again. I want to be solid more than anything. I have hope for my future again. I know that's pretty heavy stuff for being only 6 days into my meds without therapy, but the first step has me feeling pretty good so far. I've got about a month to focus on me and regain some sanity and so far is been filled with love and support.

Bryan is my rock, he's been so good to me so far. And I think if it weren't for his patience and amazing hugs, I won't being doing as well as I am. He's always encouraging me, and reassuring me that I'm ok. I'm so blessed to have him in my life. And I've been making it a priority to be honest and open with him and the rest of my circle. I've also been trying to spend more time with my sister. She's always a bright light in my life. Her smile is so comforting, when she smiles, I know things are good and I can relax. The past week since I took my leave of absence has been filled with friends, love, and craft projects...exactly what I needed.

I loose sight of it every once in a while, but when I need it most, the people in my life rally around me and take care of me. I am more than blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people and I forget that sometimes. The bad things in my life have put blinders on my eyes over the past 3 years since mom died. But on the ride home from the doctor's 6 nights ago, I felt something in the universe shift. There's a positive feeling inside of me...it's probably just my meds....but I don't care. It feels good to feel good.


Thanks for taking the time to read this, and if you've made it to the bottom...thank you for your patience. This took a lot of for me to write this. Actually, I've been writing bits and pieces all week, deleting large portions and rewriting whole paragraphs. But I felt like it would be good for me, and maybe some one like me...who's embarrassed by their depression or doesn't know how to speak up with find some comfort and be able to relate to my words. And I'm making a proposition...let's start a conversation. Do you ever feel like me? Let me know, let's find comfort in each other! We can always use more friends.

xo. 

Holly