An Honest Post about Depression & Anxiety

Hello Friends,

Yup, that's a photo of a giant spider eating a fly. I took that 2 springs ago, he made his web right off my front porch. Just in the perfect spot for me to snap a few good shots. I watched him eat that spider that day, it was very slow and the fly didn't even struggle. It just sat there and allowed fate to take its course. I started thinking about it a little more a few days ago, when I was cleaning out my camera.

Recently, I was put on an antidepressant for depression and anxiety. It's something that I've hid from so many people for far too long. Life started caving in on me and I couldn't focus on anything but that things that were making me sad. I just stayed in the house allowed the sadness to cover me like a giant blanket of doom. Dramatic, I know. But when you're in it, everything is dramatic. I was crying over anything at the drop of a hat. I couldn't muster the strength to see my friends, or even talk to them on the phone. I was so afraid of looking like I was broken and that had failed; that I had started failing without realizing it.  It took me totally flipping out and completely shutting down after accidentally dropping my phone in the toilet to take notice of how ridiculous things had become.

I was kind of like that spider. I got stuck in a web and didn't even struggle. I didn't fight to be happier, or to hang out with my friends. I didn't fight to properly grieve over the death of my mother, or to actually take the time to heal. I allowed the bad things in life to be bad things and just accepted that my life sucked and there was nothing that was going to make it better. I allowed it to consume my every thought. That becomes an issue when your instructors are expecting you to focus on school work, but all I could see was my pain. But after stumbling over this post while trying to find some comfort on the internet, I realized that what I was feeling was something that so many others had felt. That I wasn't as damaged as I thought I was. That I wasn't alone.  And that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it's going to be a long walk through that tunnel....but there's still a light.

"For so long I  thought 

that I was bad at being

a grown up person. 

No one else reacted

to things like me,

 or felt things like me. 

I thought they were dealing

 with what I was feeling."

Kyla Roma

I'm 6 days into my medication, and I won't lie, I've been pretty sick these past few days. But I'm not crying 6 times a day anymore, so it's a nice trade-off.  Day 3 was the worst thou, I'd been having issues sleeping and then around 5am...I got incredibly sick and vomited. I've been experiencing some mild nausea and some dizziness, but the worst is the insomnia and restless legs at night. I cherish my sleep and when I am not able to get it, I feel crummy. But I talked with one of my friends who is also on the same medication and she said it does pass. Her sleep has gotten back to normal, and she doesn't experience the nausea anymore. So  yea, a light at the end of the tunnel.

The idea of being on a medication and being "depressed" really embarrassed me. I didn't want to tell any of my friends that I had taken a medical leave from school and I sure as hell didn't want to tell them the doctor has me on meds. I didn't want to be that girl. But I am that girl, and after thinking a little bit more about it....the only way I'm going to stop being the depressed girl is to own it, deal with it, and then heal from it. So that's what I'm doing and that's what this post is about. Being honest about how I'm feeling instead of pushing it down because others are sick of hearing about it, or because I'm worried they're going to judge me. I have depression. I have anxiety. I am on medication.

I'm opening doors in my life now, instead of closing them and hoping the good stuff on the other side is going to magically find its way over to me through osmosis. Because, who am I kidding thinking that way?! I finally gave in and spoke up for help, and now that I'm getting it and I'm taking the time to take care of myself.. I feel like a giant weight is taken off of me. My knees were buckling under all that pressure of life and the emotional burdens that I hadn't properly dealt with. Now, I feel like I can almost breathe again. I'm not quite there, so don't think things are all sunshine and rainbows yet. I've still got a lot of work ahead of me. I'm going to be looking into therapy and I've got to stay consistent with my medication.

But I think that being honest with myself and those around me that I care about is probably the best thing I've done for myself thus far in my life. I haven't started my therapy yet. I'll actually be making that phone call right after I post this. I'm nervous about digging up all those old emotions and memories. It's going to be tough, but that's probably the only way I'm ever going to be solid again. I want to be solid more than anything. I have hope for my future again. I know that's pretty heavy stuff for being only 6 days into my meds without therapy, but the first step has me feeling pretty good so far. I've got about a month to focus on me and regain some sanity and so far is been filled with love and support.

Bryan is my rock, he's been so good to me so far. And I think if it weren't for his patience and amazing hugs, I won't being doing as well as I am. He's always encouraging me, and reassuring me that I'm ok. I'm so blessed to have him in my life. And I've been making it a priority to be honest and open with him and the rest of my circle. I've also been trying to spend more time with my sister. She's always a bright light in my life. Her smile is so comforting, when she smiles, I know things are good and I can relax. The past week since I took my leave of absence has been filled with friends, love, and craft projects...exactly what I needed.

I loose sight of it every once in a while, but when I need it most, the people in my life rally around me and take care of me. I am more than blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people and I forget that sometimes. The bad things in my life have put blinders on my eyes over the past 3 years since mom died. But on the ride home from the doctor's 6 nights ago, I felt something in the universe shift. There's a positive feeling inside of me...it's probably just my meds....but I don't care. It feels good to feel good.


Thanks for taking the time to read this, and if you've made it to the bottom...thank you for your patience. This took a lot of for me to write this. Actually, I've been writing bits and pieces all week, deleting large portions and rewriting whole paragraphs. But I felt like it would be good for me, and maybe some one like me...who's embarrassed by their depression or doesn't know how to speak up with find some comfort and be able to relate to my words. And I'm making a proposition...let's start a conversation. Do you ever feel like me? Let me know, let's find comfort in each other! We can always use more friends.

xo. 

Holly 

The Juke Box: Chvrches

Hello Friends,

This is a fun one. I really like this song. I've heard this a dozen times on the radio and I can't lie, I turn it up every time. It's very 80's but in the very very very best way possible. The lyrics are kind of somber, but the melody and bouncy electro beat in the background keep it light and fun. Her voice reminds me a little bit of Debbie Gibson. No hate here. I love me some Debbie Gibson. Their music is pretty chill overall, and completely listenable on a regular basis. Her voice is that pleasant. I love their vibe!

xo.

Holly

The Juke Box: Love Songs for Valentine's Day

Hello Friends,

I'm here to share all my squishy Valentine's Day feelings with you because... well, for once I can actually say I am completely in love with the person I'm with this year. He makes my heart swell with the warmest, lamest, squishiest feels ever. No joke. Damn you, Bryan...turned me into a girl! :P

Well, these 3 songs are for him. They remind me of him every time I hear them and my heart just sings every time they come on the radio. So who ever you are, and where ever you are this Valentine's, I hope you feel loved. Even if you don't feel it, know you are loved...even if it's just love radiating from my little corner of the internet!

Happy Valentine's Day, EVERYONE!! (Especially Bryan, though <3)

xo.

Holly

(not even gonna lie, ^this song always makes me cry....I'm so fucking lame.)

Awesome Post: 50th Anniversary of the Beatles coming to America

Hello Friends,


Today marks a very special day in music history. It is the 50th anniversary of the greatest band of all time coming to our great American shores. The Beatles arrived at JKF airport 50 years ago today, to make their biggest TV break only a few days later on The Ed Sullivan Show. This band has been more important to me throughout my entire life than any religion ever has. I grew up with The Beatles. They're my dad's favorite band and so many of my most cherished memories have them playing in the background. Through out the years, I've grown fonder and fonder of their music, the mysteries behind the lyrics, and the overall message they represent. Love. The represent something much deeper than music for me. In the Karnes' household, The Beatles are more like a religion and less like a band.

I could go on and on and on and on for years about how deep my love of The Beatles is. But, I will not subject you to the squishy feelings of this misplaced hippie soul. Just enjoy this amazing video of the real 'first appearance' of The Beatles.

And just for fun, go grab a record or press play on that MP3, and help me celebrate this amazing milestone of a band that has stood the test of time. Congrats, boys. <3

xo.
holly

The Juke Box: Warpaint

Hello Friends,

I FRICKEN LOVE THIS BAND. Yea. I had to get that out of the way. Normally, for a Juke Box, I would only post one song of the band/artist. But for serious, I had to post 3. You guys need to listen to all of them, no kidding. I think you'll love them too.

They're kind of reminisant of The Bangles, but with a bit of Jefferson Airplane flare. Ugh...I love them so much! And what is up with the perfect lighting and wind in every single video, they're perfect. I can't stand how awesome these ladies are. They totally make me want to pick my guitar back up and start playing again. The urge is there, they're totally making it hard to silence that urge.

Enjoy the trippy rock goddesses of Warpaint. They're killer.

xo.

Holly

Random Post: Happiness is a Choice

Hello Friends, 

The name of this blog is titled Happiness for a reason. Happiness is my goal in life, it's something that I decided a long time ago. That's kind of the purpose of this blog, it's a journey to consistently find and maintain happiness in my life. I think about the idea of life and why we're all here, probably far too often. I've come to the conclusion that regardless of where I end up in life, if I'm not happy...I will not stay there. But on the flip side of that, my life is what I make it. I must seek out my own happiness and create or fix it when it's not there. The words happy and happiness hold a deeper meaning to me than 'love, faith, or respect'. If you don't have happiness, none of that exists. At least not in my life. So I seek happiness in all I do. The above photo was taken at a Taco Bell. Random, right?! I was there a few weeks ago with couple of my friends that I hadn't seen in almost 3 years. Far too long. But we went back to our old college town and drove around looking at our old houses, reminiscing.

That was so great. What I'm pretty much trying to say is that my goal throughout this year, is to seek out my own happiness. I've been so grumpy lately. Mostly from being so horribly tired from school. And I've been complaining way too much. I'm changing this now. The last week or two has been filled with reading, writing, and some self reflection. Just what I've needed. I actually started writing in my journal again. Something that has never been one of my strengths, I can't keep a journal. I'm sticking with it, or trying to. 

Tiny Buddha has been my go to (along with the usual 'dear Google' letters I write) recently for my confusion. I won't go into detail, because there's no need to, but this post really has changed my perspective on things. And I feel such a release because of it. I know that sounds ridiculous to say such a thing because of a blog post, but it's so very true. I've also been attempting to make sure I spend time with my friends. I have a tendency to hermit myself away or just plain run when I get stressed out. 

The weather tends to play a large roll in the way I react to things, I've noticed. I don't do as well in the winter as I do in the warmer months. Even thou grey is one of my favorite colors (even thou its not a color), grey skies do nothing for me. I need that sunlight, damn it! So I can tell that I've been more down that usual, and it tends to progress and get worse when the weather is worse. I'm doing my best to not let it affect me. I've been day dreaming about summer a lot lately and that actually makes me happy. Just the idea of sunlight during the winter months, is enough to get me by. I can't wait to go on hikes with Bry again and see what all we can find on the trails. I'm determined to find another good skull this year! Maybe some feathers...that'd be rad! See! I'm day dreaming and already I feel lighter. 

We've also been talking about getting gym memberships but money has been tight lately. Any good home-tips to get in shape without bouncing around too much and tearing the house down? Low impact stuff?? I gots old joints for a young gal. hahah! I'm considering yoga? Any thoughts, friends?? 

This kind of turned into a much longer thing than I originally intended. But I guess that's good. Overall, I guess I would just like to say that I'm refocusing my attention on what this blog actually started out as. A pursuit of happiness, and anything that entails. When I get stressed, I often lose sight of my initial intentions and can't figure out what it is I actually want. But when I break it down, it's always Happiness. 

xo. 

holly 

Girl Crush: Iggy

Hello Friends,

Have you guys heard of Iggy Azalea yet? She's hot. She raps. She's just plain cool. And she's actually got a brain in her head. She's worked really hard to get where she is and the fact that she's done it at such a young age (23). Like, what?! I was getting stupid drunk and painting kids faces at 23...what am I doing with my life?? Girls like Iggy make me want to be better and strive harder for a better reality for myself.

I've watched the video at the end of this post about a dozen times. She discusses race and record label executives. I really like the point she makes when the interviewer asks what she thinks of the execs being the taste makers of modern music. Record labels DO NOT decide what gets played any more. WE THE PEOPLE ARE WHO DECIDES. Stop acting like all the shitty music on the radio is their fault, stop asking for it.

Meh. Whatever, I'll stop complaining haha! I love her, her music is catchy and at times a bit edgy. So I dig it. As always, give it a chance. Take a listen and maybe you'll discover something new! Enjoy her awesomeness.

xo.
holly