Rediscovering My Purpose

Hello friends, 

I can't believe I haven't written anything since November of last year. But, with everything that's been going on, I shouldn't be surprised. If you keep up with my Youtube, you've seen why. Though if not, last month...I quit my job. I know I've written before about how difficult that job was and it was starting to really wear on me in a negative way. I starting seeing myself change in a negative, self destructive way and I just had to get out of there. My peace of mind is above everything in my life. Since leaving, not only have I noticed a change in myself but so have several people that are really close to me. Honestly, even my stress acne has cleared up...hahha! 

Lately, I've been focusing soooooooo soooooooooooooooooo (I can't say this enough) soooooo hard on my art. That's legit all I've been thinking about and I'm probably isolating just a little because of it. We've gotten out a little though, that's something I've been making a conscieous effort to see more people and get out every once in a while. I've never really put forth much effort to be a working artist, and getting shows, and pushing my art out into the community. Truthfully, I really don't know why that is. It's what I went to school for after all, and it's what I've dedicated my life to. Why haven't I done anything with it? I suppose it's always been because I've been nervous to put it out there and be rejected, but who isn't worried about that.

I think now that I'm a little older, and I've put some time into the 'real world'...it's become clear that I don't fit into that mold, and it is physically difficult for me to hold on to a career like that. I do not fit well into polite society and it's taken me quite a while to recognize the fact that it is okay. Most of us grow up with the idea of that you have to get a normal job, go to a normal college and get that white picket fence and all that. It wasn't until just recently, that I realized that there are so many different ways to live and have a career. 

The internet is such an amazing thing, really. And, I know in this era that is a completely ridiculous thing to say because of course it is, we all already know that. But, over the past couple years it has really opened up my eyes to what life can really be. There are just so many people out there that have made their own path and made a living out of being creative....and that is so inspiring. Maybe, I'll write a post about who's really been an inspiration to me over the past few years. I'd love to share the people that have brought joy to my life with you amazing people. 

So, what's the point of all of this? Nothing, really. I just wanted to come on here again and talk with you all. I've really missed this little corner of the web that I can just come to and release all these insane thoughts of mine. I've come to realize, after reading some of my old posts, that this theme of 're-figuring out myself' has become a major part of who I am. There were so many years that I just didn't know who I was after mom died. I threw myself into several situations that washed away my personality, and all of my soul. It's become such a driving force in my life to find myself again because I haven't felt like myself up until very recently. How strange it is to not feel like yourself. I often was so completely confused when I would hear of mothers or anyone that had gone through trauma say they feel like they weren't themselves, that they had forgotten how to be themselves without what ever it was that was happening. Mothers lose themselves in the act of taking care of their families and in a way that's how I lost myself too. But, before I go down that dark path, let's redirect....

Honestly, all I want to do is create and make beautiful things that make people smile. That is my purpose. It's hard to stay on the path. It's hard to remember who I was before all the darkness. And, it's hard to not be who I know I am supposed to be. I've been doing a lot of reading, and listening to lectures on ego. Buddhism has been very intriguing to me recently. I am not religious, but I am always interested in the wisdom that religion gives us. 

That is something that's been helping me stay focused, calm and remember what is it that I'm working towards. This is a very interesting moment in my life, and I feel that I am either on the edge of something greater or the verge of knowing my limits. So, this should be fun. 

Has there been any major changes in your life recently? Tell me about it down in the comments! 

xo. holly erinn 

ps. if you would like to purchase some of the art seen in today's post, please check out my shop!